omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
