2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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