i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
