I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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