it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
