this beer tastes like vomit already
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
