I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
