I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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