hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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