i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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