Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
