I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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