I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
