you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
