Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i think i just lost a toe
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
