My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
