he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
