My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
