I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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