I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
