You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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