i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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