the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
