The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
