If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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