a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
