Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
