mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
