happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
