I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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