Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
