those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
