the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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