Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
