We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
