I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
