Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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