Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
