i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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