I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
