Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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