Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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