Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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