if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
