He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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