guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize