Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
