My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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