You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
All the doctor said was why
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize