you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
