After last night, I could never be a politician.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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