I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
