I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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