So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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