if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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