My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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