According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
