Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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