There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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