I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
